A new life to live, by Romans 8

Romans 8 (THE MESSAGE)

So don’t you see that we don’t owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There’s nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God’s Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!

Hope for us, misfits.

“But if you are a poor creature- poisoned by a wretched upbringing in some house full of vulgar jealousies and senseless quarrels saddled, by no choice of your own, with some loathsome sexual, perversion- nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends-do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive. Keep on. Do what you can. One day (perhaps in another world, but perhaps far sooner than that) He will fling it on the scrap-heap and give you a new one. And then you may astonish us all-not least yourself: for you have learned your driving in a hard school.” -C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Why seek therapy?

I wrote this a few years back, but wanted to re-post:

We often go through life so fast that we rarely take the time to stop and reflect on what we’re doing and perhaps more importantly, why we’re doing it. It is important to process events in our life, including the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that often accompany us. Why is it important? Because it is healthy for our mind, our spirit, and our heart.  Because it enables us to function at our fullest potential and experience a deep joy and satisfaction that we all crave.

We go to the doctor when we’re not feeling well, or even for regular physical check-ups, yet we don’t check out how we’re doing emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  Why is that? I think we neglect these important areas of our lives because it is often “unseen” (and therefore disregarded), but also because we lack understanding of how the mind, spirit, and heart works (and therefore, these areas are also undervalued – intentionally or not).

To notice and care about our emotional, spiritual, and mental health is often viewed as insignificant.  If we’re not doing well emotionally, it hurts us inside but because we are so good at hiding our true feelings, we convince ourselves that we can manage life fine.  Eventually, however, what we’ve been suppressing for so long will always reveal itself externally, whether in behavioral changes or even physical changes (i.e. getting sick, feeling exhausted, or underfunctioning in our daily activities).

Seeking therapy is one step towards caring for our overall holistic health.  Psychotherapists partner with you in your personal growth and exploration, as well as help you cope with many life issues, ranging from transitions/changes, relational conflicts and concerns, depression, anxiety, codependency, addictions, and numerous other issues.

Here is a great website explaining more about Psychotherapy and Counseling – I hope it helps you in your journey towards healing:

Questions About Therapy

I cannot emphasize this point enough, (taken from the above website): “Remember: The most important factor in securing effective therapy is a good relationship between you and your therapist.”

Choosing the Right Therapist

Another one I wanted to re-post:

I found a few helpful websites on how to choose the right therapist:

Choosing a Therapist

&

How To Choose a Therapist

It is extremely important to inform clients (especially those who are entering into a counseling relationship for the first time) that every therapist will have a different style and approach, and to be encouraged to look for a therapist that best fits their needs and goals.  I’ve heard of folks who don’t have a good initial fit with their therapist and end up being discouraged (and never return to therapy), so I like to tell my clients upfront that I’d like them to be honest with me because I want them to feel comfortable working with me.  I might add that they give it a chance and commit to a few sessions in a row, just to really see if it is working out for them, but at the end of the day, what I am really trying to inform my clients is that this time is for THEM and I genuinely want them to feel comfortable and safe.

The key is to empower the client in knowing they can make this decision for themselves.  In my experience, clients have always been open to this introduction of mine, and I trust it gives them a sense of 1) better understanding of the therapeutic experience and dynamic, 2) a sense of freedom and empowerment, and 3) a trust that I am doing this work for the benefit of my client.  In fact, to my last point, I really do feel strongly that I am intentional (or at least, i try my best to be as intentional as possible) in making sure every thing I do and say in the therapy room is for the benefit of my client.  If it is not, there is no point in saying it.  The purpose of therapy is to benefit the client and partner with them in improving their lives, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, the way THEY want it to look.  It should absolutely never be about the therapists’ own motives or feelings of satisfaction for having helped someone.  A therapist must always be mindful of this, and focus on the clients’ worldview and the clients’ goals.

Another Way to Assess your Holistic Health

How to Assess Holistic Health of an Individual Or Organization
By Paul Wong Li Rhen

In my quest to find what truly builds strong and sustainable individuals, families, businesses, organizations, nations, movements, (anything worthwhile), I’ve come to believe it really boils down to leadership and how effective that leadership is in developing the culture.

History shows us time and again that if necessary changes do not come from the top, it will come through a revolution from the bottom.

This is true for the human being. The mind is the leader, body the servant and heart (not the physical heart but the spirit of a person) the one who holds everyone together.

Want to know a person’s true and complete health?

1. Check what enters and leaves the mind

What kind of knowledge does the person hunger for? And why? For personal gain, self-gratification or for benefit of others? A mind that is selfless in the pursuit of knowledge for the benefit of others will be the leader that will influence change and positive impact.

What kind of language is the person frequently using? Language that builds up or tears down?

With some observation, we can have a grasp of the mental health of an individual.

2. Check what enters and leaves the heart

We’re again referring to the “heart” as the human spirit. What kind of emotions does the person hunger for? Emotions are great servants but terrible masters. Choosing to surrender to an emotion make us a slave of it and we strive constantly to feed that emotion and to remain in that emotion. This kills the human spirit.

Feeling bitter about something or someone can become a comfort zone after a period of time and not feeling bitter can seem foreign and uncertain. And thus, the unwillingness to forgive and let go of a person or event. We hang on to the feeling until the body or mind or both buckles under the strain and pressure.

The mind determines the direction but it is the heart and human spirit that drives us in that direction. When the heart refuses to follow the mind it is because it is not persuaded by the mind’s leadership. This is why it is critical that change must first begin in the mind, in the arena of our thinking.

3. Check what enters and leaves the body

Nothing new and a standard way of checking on the physical health. Physical is one part of total health but cannot be ignored. In many developed nations, exercise has become more of a luxury than a necessity. It has become the last and often neglected priority.

Conclusion

Lasting change begins in the mind, is sustained by the heart and carried out by the body.

Leadership begins in the mind and we cannot possibly lead well if we cannot lead ourselves and our families well.

Leadership has the greatest impact on culture. When there is a change of leadership, the existing culture will usually resist changes unless it has been persuaded by the new leadership.

Article Source: Paul Wong Li Rhen

Thoughts for the “Supporter” role

Just sharing a few thoughts to encourage and motivate you if you are walking alongside and supporting someone who is trying to make changes in their life. This is more for short-term support though. Sometimes for various reasons, people cannot seek counseling on a long-term basis, or stay committed to a specific, intentional, support group on a long-term basis. So, as their support system, here are some thoughts to guide you as you walk with them:

1) Support the person in handling the need for change. Moving out of denial is no easy journey, and sometimes it will require time to process the very idea that there needs to be a change to something that has “worked” for them in the past. Spend some time here and don’t feel rushed to move towards an action plan so fast. The individual needs to process the grief, the realization, the acceptance. It is not easy.

2) Support the person in thinking about and envisioning what the “new” XYZ (insert whatever area needs changing) would look like in their life. Have them engage in a visualization exercise. Again, spend some time here. There is no need to rush (unless this is a crisis situation or self/other-harm is at risk, which requires a completely different plan altogether).
Keep in mind: The individual may feel that they are unable to visualize it at all. They may feel a wall, a barricade, and not believe it is possible to see anything new or different. At this point, they may want to go back to their ‘norm’ and give up on trying to change. It is VERY challenging – to visualize a new situation, a new way of relating, a new way of thinking, a new way of being. Be patient with them. They WILL get to the point where they begin to be OPEN to the idea of visualizing something different. Guide them with ideas, words, images… but remember… they themselves… do have access to that new image. They have the words, the images, the picture. It is just a matter of bringing it out of them, and supporting & guiding them carefully, during this delicate season.

3) Help them feel empowered – Change is not only necessary and beneficial to them, it IS possible. Keep believing for them.

4) Discuss how this change (journey of healing) will help improve their daily quality of life – and affect many areas of their life – internally and externally. Be sensitive that the change will be hard. Even though it may look obvious to you that this change will be “good” for them, it is still a loss of something that was their norm, their reality. This is important to keep in mind.

I once heard someone say, “A predictable dysfunction will appear better than something new and different (for the one we are supporting – especially if they are not in a stable, sound state). Even though the __(fill in as appropriate)__ is dysfunctional, it is still comforting and comfortable.”

I found that to be absolutely profound. It is so true, and I need to remember that. I may be able to see a dysfunction, or something that is not healthy nor working in the best interest of a client… I may be able to see it loud and clear, but I need to be patient with them and step into their world, even for a moment, to more deeply connect to their reality, the lens they are looking through. This will help in developing greater patience and compassion.

As a counselor, it is important for me to accurately assess when it is appropriate to push a little more, towards actual change and action. Too soon, or too late, may affect the client’s willingness to move forward. There is no one recipe for this. It will depend on the person you are working with, the level of trust, and the dynamic of the relationship.

5) Help in identifying, then managing, any fears and anxieties they have surrounding this change.
There may be overwhelming feelings of stress, fear and anxiety, as they imagine being changed, and new. They may want to give up, or go back into denial, or go back to the old patterns – because it seems easier. It feels more ‘comfortable’ and ‘familiar’. It may feel like a cycle to you, but trust me when I say they will not go back to where they began. Think of it as an upward spiral. Sometimes it feels like it’s not moving up, but it is. They are not going to go back to ground zero. But keep an open dialogue about their fears and moments of relapse. Don’t be afraid to talk about it. The possibility of relapse needs to be discussed out in the open.

6) Provide encouragement, reinforcement, support, and a way for them to self-monitor their own progress.

Emotional IQ & Healthy Attachment

Below are 2 more definitions of Emotional Health and Healthy Attachments in Relationships that might help you understand the goal, along with having an idea of what “The Emotional Adult” looks like from my previous post:

1) If we have HIGH Emotional IQ, we can:

*recognize and label our feelings and needs
*reconcile them with our long-term goals and with the needs and feelings of other people involved
*cultivate the ability to identify ways of meeting our goals and needs and to soothe our own feelings
*motivate ourselves and mobilize all our internal (energy, effort, discipline, perseverance, resilience) as well as external resources (building social networks through effective communication, social insight, empathy, reading other’s emotions, setting boundaries)

2) From How We Love by Milan & Kay Yerkovich:

If we have a “secure”, healthy attachment in relationships… we:

*Are comfortable with separateness and connection (closeness)
*Embrace Reciprocity: give and take
*Can integrate good and bad
*Can delay gratification
*Can say no and have boundaries
*Are confident to try new things
*Can ask for help without embarrassment or shame

Secure “Connectors”:

*Initiates to resolve conflict and is able to compromise
*Can listen and show empathy for another person’s point of view
*Can compromise and negotiate
*Can own mistakes and apologize
*Can give a realistic, consistent, coherent story (good and bad) of their parents and childhood history. High level of self awareness (strengths and weaknesses)

—
Realistically, we are far from perfect and no one has a perfect emotional health and secure attachment as the above describes, however it helps to see what “secure” and “healthy” looks like. It always helps to have a goal – and know where we’re headed.

Healthy Relationships: Feeling of Safety

I came across this excerpt from an article and wanted to share:

“True love is not a wish list but a “wish feeling.” And the number one feeling—even before the feeling of love—is the feeling of safety. Without feeling safe, you will never feel true love. You must have trust in your partner’s character and prioritize finding a partner who is honest, communicative, and empathic—someone who values growing—so you can feel safe to vulnerably be your truest core self with him/her —and then together the two of you can support one another to grow into your best possible selves.”

I agree with these thoughts, and I’d also say this feeling of safety in “true love” is an essential ingredient in Healthy Relationships. It sounds so basic, but unfortunately, there are many children who grow up in unsafe environments, finding themselves as adults unable to identify nor attach to a safe object, and unable to even feel safe emotionally.

Feeling emotionally safe is one of the first signs of a healthy relationship. You trust the other to mean what he/she says, you feel safe to be yourself, you don’t feel judged or criticized. You feel accepted.

Emotional safety is a topic worth thinking about and exploring. What makes you feel emotionally safe?

“Brokenness”

My good buddy David once said, “when the gospel is preached and the power of god is released, it changes the orientation of our entire lives, the way we comprehend the events that happen around us, the way we relate to one another…, and it brings up all the baggage and brokenness we have. I thought my baggage was just a duffel bag, but I realized it’s an iceberg.”

He’s funny.

I have mixed feelings about the words “brokenness,” “baggage,” and “issues”. I hear these words thrown around very often in my field, in christian circles, and in my social circles. I would say “in my field”, these words are considered more normal. But in the social circles and some christian circles, the words have a negative connotation.

Why? Because in my social circles, it is not as natural and normal to talk about these things – whereas in the therapy room, it’s what we talk about every moment. I rarely allow the elephant to just sit there. And we don’t have the usual coping mechanisms the rest of the world uses to numb the pain. (Don’t get me wrong, there are some perfectly healthy ways to release stress, as long as we don’t over-desire it).

At the end of the day, no one is perfect. We are all broken, in need of some sense of order, stability, peace. We all have “stuff” from our past that has impacted our present (negatively and positively), and we all have insecurities, concerns, anxieties.

The question is less about “Do you have issues?” The question becomes – “How do you deal with it?”, “Where are the necessary areas of growth?”, “What are the obstacles in the way, and how can you remove them?” Everyone has a history, and everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has gone through unique experiences. No one is exempt from “brokenness”. The issue at hand is more about growth, peace, joy, satisfaction – and how you will take steps to move towards that goal.

So, let’s start with what we all have in common, “brokenness”… and go from there. We all start on the same page: broken and in need. The question becomes – where will we turn for our security?

Hope to come

“I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world’s finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, for all the blood that they’ve shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened.”
— Fyodor Dostoyevsky (The Brothers Karamazov)

On Spiritual Depression

Psalm 42

“I suggest that the main trouble in this whole matter of spiritual depression in a sense is this, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self . . . Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them, but they start talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc.

Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you. Now this man’s treatment was this; instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. ‘Why art thou cast down, O my soul?’ he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says: ‘Self, listen for moment, I will speak to you.’ Do you know what I mean? If you do not, you have had but little experience . . . We must stand up as this man did and say: ‘Why are you cast down? Why are you disquieted within me?’ . . . instead of listening placidly to him and allowing him to drag you down and depress you. For that is what he will always do if you allow him to be in control.”

-D. M. Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure

Importance of Authentic Friendships & Accountability

I once knew a man who absolutely hated accountability. He didn’t want anyone to know the private details of his life and dreaded sharing about his feelings. As he continued to isolate himself from transparent relationships, soon enough, he found himself addicted to pornography, and eventually involved himself in sex trafficking and pedophilia- developing relationships with children from overseas. He was a fairly successful business man with charisma, however, and no one knew he was living a hidden, private life. No one would even believe it. But deep wounds of insecurities and fears dictated his life and he continued to engage in these activities to soothe himself. He needed to control his surroundings and make sure no one knew his deepest fears because he would feel too vulnerable. Eventually, he lost everything — money, power, women, friends, charisma — and needed to start his life over from rock bottom. It took him a long time to break down, but his private life finally revealed itself to the public, and he couldn’t live in it any longer.

I share the above true story in my talk about the importance of accountability because of how dangerous a place we are without people truly knowing us, including knowing our deepest fears and longings. Many people don’t like the word accountability, so I could even toss that word and use “deep, authentic, friendships” instead… Friendship and community where you are sharing “life-on-life” about who you are without your defenses. There is power and healing in sharing the truth of our selves, no matter how ugly. Friends WILL accept us and help us – we just need to be brave enough to share with those around us.

Without someone to bounce back feedback from, we become “strangers” in our isolation. We become, well, strange. We act and behave in ways we think are healthy, when in fact, we are hurting ourselves and others. A 40-year old man starts thinking it is OK to sleep with 16-year old children. He convinces himself he is helping them to heal over their father wounds. Without friends who know what we are doing and feeling and thinking, it is easy to go down the beaten path. It is easy to become blinded, without someone to bounce ideas from. Denial begins to define their addiction.

I use this tragic story as an example because I believe some of it could have been prevented – simply with some accountability and a willingness to share his deepest wounds. Even if the man was unwilling to change, having friends who knew about his struggles could’ve helped. They can intervene and lead him to professional help. I think of one of my favorite books by Richard Lewis, The Other Great Depression. His friends knew he had an alcohol problem and even though it took years for him to recover, they kept doing interventions and they cared. Recovery is quicker with support.

If you, or someone you know, is isolating themselves and struggling with sharing more deeply about their fears, hopes, dreams, start today: Reach out for help, or reach out to help someone. Ask real questions. Get into their hearts. Isolation, for some, may initially feel like freedom, but it always ends in despair and destruction.