Emotional IQ & Healthy Attachment

Below are 2 more definitions of Emotional Health and Healthy Attachments in Relationships that might help you understand the goal, along with having an idea of what “The Emotional Adult” looks like from my previous post:

1) If we have HIGH Emotional IQ, we can:

*recognize and label our feelings and needs
*reconcile them with our long-term goals and with the needs and feelings of other people involved
*cultivate the ability to identify ways of meeting our goals and needs and to soothe our own feelings
*motivate ourselves and mobilize all our internal (energy, effort, discipline, perseverance, resilience) as well as external resources (building social networks through effective communication, social insight, empathy, reading other’s emotions, setting boundaries)

2) From How We Love by Milan & Kay Yerkovich:

If we have a “secure”, healthy attachment in relationships… we:

*Are comfortable with separateness and connection (closeness)
*Embrace Reciprocity: give and take
*Can integrate good and bad
*Can delay gratification
*Can say no and have boundaries
*Are confident to try new things
*Can ask for help without embarrassment or shame

Secure “Connectors”:

*Initiates to resolve conflict and is able to compromise
*Can listen and show empathy for another person’s point of view
*Can compromise and negotiate
*Can own mistakes and apologize
*Can give a realistic, consistent, coherent story (good and bad) of their parents and childhood history. High level of self awareness (strengths and weaknesses)

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Realistically, we are far from perfect and no one has a perfect emotional health and secure attachment as the above describes, however it helps to see what “secure” and “healthy” looks like. It always helps to have a goal – and know where we’re headed.

On Overcoming Betrayal: Thoughts for the supporter

If you are a friend comforting the who has just experienced betrayal, keep the previous post in mind: He or she is in a crisis. The best way to help is to be there for them, checking in around the clock, listening, comforting, validating, reminding them of rational and logical truths (since their mind will be in chaos and disorder; keep in mind the left brain completely shuts down during trauma). This time WILL pass, their particularly high needs in this stage WILL pass. The processing and grieving begins after the crisis stage, so this is the time to help manage one’s emotions and comfort one’s mind until they can think logically.

Listening and comforting is most key. Not so helpful are words like: “You are strong” – because they do not feel strong during this time at all. More helpful words are: “I’m so sorry. I am here for you – you can call me any time, I am praying for you. I can bring you food to eat (the basic necessities of self-care will not be on this person’s mind).” If you’ve been through a betrayal, sharing your story and how you got through it will also be extremely helpful.

The power of community support & prayer is amazing, especially in times of distress.

On Overcoming Betrayal: Stage 1 (CRISIS)

Thoughts for the one overcoming betrayal: 1) Know that your FIRST reaction will be shock and trauma. Know you are in a Crisis Stage that WILL pass.

You watch it in the movies, in the news, in politics, in hollywood. Nearly every day. You hear about it regarding friends of friends. Your own friends. Maybe you yourself have experienced it. It is an unfortunately all-too-common experience and a sad reality due to our own brokenness. I’ve heard about it from clients, friends, family members, acquaintances. I’ve heard of the business partner betrayals, the spousal betrayals, the best friendship betrayals, the family betrayals. I’ve experienced my own. Some I’ve heard about were best friends and lovers for over 15 years. Others were business partners for even more.

I mention the above, not to minimize the pain, shock, and disappointment of experiencing betrayal, but to state a fact. Just like it is a fact that the divorce rate is 50%, so we can therefore make an extra effort to work on our marriages… so is the rate of experiencing betrayal in one’s lifetime very high, and we can take extra steps to be more aware and cautious, to get out earlier than later, and to learn how to cope and overcome the effects of betrayal.

I am sure this will turn out to be a series of posts, so I first want to remind us all – that when you first find out about betrayal – it is actually a TRAUMA. Your first feeling will be SHOCK. Therefore, you are in a CRISIS. You are in crisis mode. You are unable to think rationally or coherently. You may not be able to sleep or eat or talk or listen to anyone. It is important to recognize this.

As a therapist, working with a client in crisis is in no way the same as working with someone who is not in crisis. So, keep in mind that the FIRST STAGE after finding out you’ve been betrayed by someone you have known and trusted for many years is: SHOCK, CRISIS, and TRAUMA. You are unable to digest that someone you thought you knew for so many years was actually not who you thought. There will be disbelief. You may do and say things you regret, your body may react with convulsions and shaking, your brain will become on high alert – unable to calm down. OR, you may shut down completely, feel numb, immobile, and paralyzed.

It is important during this time to reach out for help, call trusted friends, write trusted friends, focus on your breathing (literally, focusing on breathing in through your nose, out of your mouth). You will feel unable to manage your emotions or your thoughts at this time, but this stage WILL pass. I have seen the crisis stage pass in a matter of a few hours. It will pass – but it is important to acknowledge you are in a crisis state. Extend yourself grace and reach out & receive help.

Under every “unhealthy behavior” lies an injury

Under every “unhealthy behavior” lies an injury, no matter how offensive the behavior. This definitely does not justify the behavior, but simply helps make some sense of it. Having your own explanation and understanding of one’s behaviors can oftentimes decrease the confusion that comes with observing such disorder (observing an abusive person, chronic cheater, cutter, etc).
Anything that is unhealthy for you and others (abuse, cheating, preoccupations, etc) is a product of disorder: going against what you were created for (purity, health, selflessness, integrity). Therefore, it is important to get to the root of harmful behavior to lead one out of the disordered identity and into restoring one’s identity.

Emotional cheating, for example, could be a desperate need for love and affection all the time, an intense fear of loneliness or rejection, without which one would feel like s/he had no worth. Looking for someone to love and affirm them, therefore, becomes a compulsion that must be exercised, to relieve the anxiety (feelings of unease) of not being loved and respected. One’s anxious energy becomes spent on manipulating/controlling people and situations to get their needs met. Think of the abusive person who needs to dominate and control – same thing. His/Her anxious energy (fears of, say, abandonment) becomes an addiction to dominate and control. Any feelings of abandonment, rejection, or disrespect are intolerable.

I often ask clients to sit with the feelings of anxiety for a moment, whatever it might be. Not being loved. Not experiencing intense and passionate romantic love or affirmation. Not being respected. Not being with the person of their dreams. Oftentimes, they do not want to. The thought of allowing that feeling to seep into their being feels absolutely threatening, as if it defined their very identity, their being, their essence. It’s too scary. But it is only by identifying and overcoming the root discomfort or root fear, can one change his/her destructive compulsions. One has to first identify the core feeling or belief driving their fears, leading to the anxieties, ending in compulsions to reduce that anxiety (and ultimately suppressing the original scary feeling). Easier said than done, I know. But with emotional processing, self-awareness, and perhaps a friend to bounce back feedback from, it is possible to unravel and break this vicious cycle.

Simply put:
*Compulsions (abuse, cheating, preoccupation with romantic pursuits/intensity and passion)
temporarily and detrimentally relieve
*Anxiety (feelings of worry, unease) <– Awareness of compulsions is hard to deny, BUT many people stop the awareness here because they do not think they are really uneasy or anxious about anything.
that come from
*Fears (of rejection, abandonment, loneliness, deceit)
that stem from
*Misplaced Identity or False Core Belief about one’s purpose, definition, meaning

Therefore, we need to start from the bottom up: *Knowing our true identity and core definition of oneself (Loved by God, Spiritual/Eternal being, Created for a purpose) to decrease the fears, anxieties, and ultimately the compulsions (unhealthy behavior that is harming oneself and others)

In this post, I focus more on emotionally unhealthy behavior (Examples: 1) compulsion to avoid/suppress any conflict which leads to running away from problems and ultimately, broken relationships and partnerships, 2) preoccupations with being loved and respected which lead to using and hurting others to fulfill one’s own needs, usually through living a hidden private life whether it is chronic emotional or sexual cheating.) Both of these are such entrenched lifestyles, that they often lead to denial and minimization of the problem, as if a veil is covering one’s eyes and mind. The first step, just like any addiction, becomes Admitting the Problem. Letting down the guard and pride, and confessing there is an issue at hand. There is a powerful freedom in admitting our powerlessness over an addiction.

Growth Goal #2: Intimacy (not the same as intensity)

Goals for Emotional Health or Maturity:

#1) Understanding, Desiring, and Pursuing, Integrity.
#2) Understanding, Desiring, and Pursuing, INTIMACY.

Growth Goal #2 towards Emotional Health, is being able to accurately define INTIMACY, in order to walk on a healthy path towards developing/maintaining intimate relationships. We must also learn to discern the difference between Intimacy & Intensity. Intensity is not required in order for intimacy to be present.

The Vacillator “Love Style”, one of the “Attachment Injury Styles” is the person who is constantly pushing you away while at the same time, pursuing you to engage. The person with this kind of love style is someone who craves connection but will often confuse intensity with intimacy, thinking they are one in the same.

We are all craving some sort of emotional connection and intimacy… Human beings were created to be social beings, not isolated ones. But it is important to know the CORRECT definition of intimacy, and what it is we are really desiring:

From Wikipedia, “Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. As a verb, “intimate” means “to state or make known”. (Intimacy is getting to know one another at a slow pace). To sustain intimacy for any length of time requires well developed emotional and interpersonal awareness. Intimacy requires an ability to be both separate and together participants in an intimate relationship. This is called self-differentiation. It results in a connection in which there is an emotional range involving both robust conflict, and intense loyalty. Lacking the ability to differentiate one self from the other is a form of symbiosis, a state that is different from intimacy, even if feelings of closeness are similar.”

The vacillator, however, wants NO differentiation. Any feeling of being separate means they are not close and things are now “all bad” (black and white thinking). When there is no intensity in the relationship, they feel no connection or “intimacy”.

It is important to note, however, that TRUE intimacy involves self awareness and self differentiation. It is not necessarily an intense gaze, conversation, and connection, ALL the time. It requires a healthy balance of rationality/thinking, and emotion/feeling.

Other Interesting/Helpful Information in understanding Intimacy (also from wikipedia!):

“From a center of self knowledge and self differentiation, intimate behavior joins family, close friends as well as those with whom one is in love. It evolves through reciprocal self-disclosure and candour.”

“Poor skills in developing of intimacy can lead to getting too close too quickly; struggling to find the boundary and to sustain connection; being poorly skilled as a friend, rejecting self-disclosure or even rejecting friendships and those who have them.”

And on physical/ sexual intimacy:

More on the 5 Love Languages & other articles

After having another conversation with someone this weekend about the 5 love languages, I was reminded how much this knowledge can and will transform relationships for the better. I am a strong advocate for improving relationships and for reconciliation, so here are the websites again if I haven’t already posted them:

1) Learn about the 5 Love Languages

2) Take the 5 Love Languages 30-second assessment

3) Take a longer version of the Love Languages Test (this is not the real version from Gary Chapman’s book, but not a bad makeshift either). I took both tests and had the same results.
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On a separate note, I came across a few articles I’d like to share:

1) How To Decide What Is Normal in Mental Health

2) How Positive Emotions Promote Health

Happy November, everyone!