Healthy Relationships: Feeling of Safety

I came across this excerpt from an article and wanted to share:

“True love is not a wish list but a “wish feeling.” And the number one feeling—even before the feeling of love—is the feeling of safety. Without feeling safe, you will never feel true love. You must have trust in your partner’s character and prioritize finding a partner who is honest, communicative, and empathic—someone who values growing—so you can feel safe to vulnerably be your truest core self with him/her —and then together the two of you can support one another to grow into your best possible selves.”

I agree with these thoughts, and I’d also say this feeling of safety in “true love” is an essential ingredient in Healthy Relationships. It sounds so basic, but unfortunately, there are many children who grow up in unsafe environments, finding themselves as adults unable to identify nor attach to a safe object, and unable to even feel safe emotionally.

Feeling emotionally safe is one of the first signs of a healthy relationship. You trust the other to mean what he/she says, you feel safe to be yourself, you don’t feel judged or criticized. You feel accepted.

Emotional safety is a topic worth thinking about and exploring. What makes you feel emotionally safe?

On Overcoming Betrayal: Stage 1 (CRISIS)

Thoughts for the one overcoming betrayal: 1) Know that your FIRST reaction will be shock and trauma. Know you are in a Crisis Stage that WILL pass.

You watch it in the movies, in the news, in politics, in hollywood. Nearly every day. You hear about it regarding friends of friends. Your own friends. Maybe you yourself have experienced it. It is an unfortunately all-too-common experience and a sad reality due to our own brokenness. I’ve heard about it from clients, friends, family members, acquaintances. I’ve heard of the business partner betrayals, the spousal betrayals, the best friendship betrayals, the family betrayals. I’ve experienced my own. Some I’ve heard about were best friends and lovers for over 15 years. Others were business partners for even more.

I mention the above, not to minimize the pain, shock, and disappointment of experiencing betrayal, but to state a fact. Just like it is a fact that the divorce rate is 50%, so we can therefore make an extra effort to work on our marriages… so is the rate of experiencing betrayal in one’s lifetime very high, and we can take extra steps to be more aware and cautious, to get out earlier than later, and to learn how to cope and overcome the effects of betrayal.

I am sure this will turn out to be a series of posts, so I first want to remind us all – that when you first find out about betrayal – it is actually a TRAUMA. Your first feeling will be SHOCK. Therefore, you are in a CRISIS. You are in crisis mode. You are unable to think rationally or coherently. You may not be able to sleep or eat or talk or listen to anyone. It is important to recognize this.

As a therapist, working with a client in crisis is in no way the same as working with someone who is not in crisis. So, keep in mind that the FIRST STAGE after finding out you’ve been betrayed by someone you have known and trusted for many years is: SHOCK, CRISIS, and TRAUMA. You are unable to digest that someone you thought you knew for so many years was actually not who you thought. There will be disbelief. You may do and say things you regret, your body may react with convulsions and shaking, your brain will become on high alert – unable to calm down. OR, you may shut down completely, feel numb, immobile, and paralyzed.

It is important during this time to reach out for help, call trusted friends, write trusted friends, focus on your breathing (literally, focusing on breathing in through your nose, out of your mouth). You will feel unable to manage your emotions or your thoughts at this time, but this stage WILL pass. I have seen the crisis stage pass in a matter of a few hours. It will pass – but it is important to acknowledge you are in a crisis state. Extend yourself grace and reach out & receive help.

Rethink

I saw this advertisement a while ago and jotted it down – I think it was for Saturn? The word “Rethink” caught my attention:

Rethink
What if we took the time to rethink things? Forcing ourselves to look at how things are and imagining what they could be. Not waiting for change, but being the catalyst. The philosophy of Rethink has been ours since day one. Rethink is treating customers like people.

I like that. Breaking out of our bubbles – and seeing bigger and better and larger… and more.

There is more.

Transformation is possible.

Start by imagining how things could be. Be open to a paradigm shift. In EVERYTHING you’ve ever known or thought. Look through a new lens.

Rethink.

Your past. Your present. Your future.

Reimagine.

Bubbles

When I went to China last year, I had a vivid dream. There were bubbles around people, everyone! Just walking around and living life… with bubbles around them. Some even towards God, but mostly with one another.

I woke up and felt like I received this interpretation: It was about the concept of “Face” in the Chinese culture. In Mandarin, we call it “mian zhi” (forgive my poor pinying). People are walking around, hiding themselves, protecting themselves in these bubbles, afraid to live freely and vulnerably. Afraid to get close, get intimate, be honest, and share their lives with one another. Just as they are. Broken and messy… but beautiful with each of their unique experiences.

I pondered on the dream in the morning and decided to turn it into a lecture for my class that day. We went through what “Face” represents, and how to break this concept in our lives that is so deeply ingrained in our culture, in order to truly live out a more meaningful and authentic community life. With ourselves, and with others.

To translate into practical terms, I would say “Face” is a number of things:

Emotional IQ and Other Assessments

Looking for On-line Assessments?
Here is a website I recently discovered (for free online tests): Relationships Tests, Personality Tests, etc

Edit: just realized these tests do not allow you to complete for free

The link includes these top 5 tests:
1. Emotional Intelligence Test (Abridged version is here)
2. Multi-dimensional IQ Test
3. What’s your personality type?
4. What motivates you at work?
5. Emotional Eating Test

I like how the site defines Emotional Intelligence though, so I will share it here:

“Simply put, we need to learn to recognize and label our feelings and needs, reconcile them with our long-term goals and with the needs and feelings of other people involved. And we need to cultivate the ability to identify ways of meeting our goals and needs and to soothe our own feelings. Then, we need to motivate ourselves and mobilize all our internal (energy, effort, discipline, perseverance, resilience) as well as external resources (building social networks through effective communication, social insight, empathy, reading other’s emotions, setting boundaries).”

I skimmed the long version of the test and especially noticed certain statements on the assessment, i.e. “I feel uncomfortable when I am expected to console others,” and “I panic when I have to face someone who is angry.” It is pretty obvious that if someone were to answer “Most of the Time” to these statements – they may have a more challenging time with emotions (awareness and constructive expression of it, as well as conflict resolution skills). BUT it’s not too late to gain skills in this area, especially in learning how to better handle another person’s emotions.

If we remain teachable and open to NEW ways of thinking, behaving, and communicating (regardless of our academic intellect and professional success), we can improve our relationships tremendously, and find new satisfaction and joy in life. We just need to be open to it, and not offended. OK fine, you can say you want to gain these skills to know how to help (handle) your emotionally-charged friends and coworkers (not you). Whatever motivates you, whatever your intent… it’s fine with me! I just want people to be more informed and equipped in the area of emotional intelligence. As long as everyone is growing and learning these things, I am content! =)

Anyhow, I took the abridged version of the Emotional Intelligence test and my results are below.

Understanding One Another

Some areas to consider when understanding one’s behavior:

-Recent life event changes/ transitions
-Past traumas
-Attachment style (Love Style)
-One’s Worldview/Lens (cultural, familial, etc)
-Family dynamic & relationships
-Social/emotional & relational ‘norm’ growing up
-Ways of unhealthy coping and/or self-medicating
-How was conflict resolved (or not resolved) in family of origin (i.e. what was the model/norm growing up)?

Other practical ways of understanding people better, to improve relationships:

-Understand own and other’s love language (Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman), and another link: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/
For another online version, visit this link: http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp (this is not the real version from Gary Chapman’s book, but not a bad makeshift either).
-Understand own and other’s personality type (MBTI) (Here’s another quick personality test: Personality Test)
-Understand own and other’s family history and family dynamics (Bowen’s Family Genogram)
-Understand own and other’s timeline – significant events (positive and negative) since they were born, until now. What were the big transitions or life event changes?
-Understand own and other’s emotional awareness and style of communicating feelings (You can look at the Love Style link, but I’m also currently working on a practical tool for this one).
-Understand own and other’s way of dealing with stress (usually a vulnerable time) – and encourage each other towards health and growth with new, constructive coping skills. It will take time to unlearn and relearn.
-Learn more about each other’s Love Style, by asking: “Can you recall a time as a child when you were upset and someone comforted you?” (From “How We Love”: Your response to comfort (or a lack of it) may have created a pattern to play out in your relationships.)
-Learn the 5 Stages of Grief.

Behavior Change + Relational Dynamic + Root Issues

I attended (and we hosted) a workshop on Monday night by Dr. John Lock about Treatment of Children & Adolescents with Eating Disorders. One of the many takeaways for me – (in my own words) is the importance of creating some kind of behavior change plan, no matter how small of a step it is, in conjunction with the healing relational dynamic (whether in community or with the therapist), and understanding root issues to create the new soil.

Since I come from a perspective where I focus on change from the inside out (looking at attachment, trauma, family systems, spirituality/ faith, along with other social/ environmental, biological, psychological concerns), it has been challenging for me to “buy-in” to pure behavioral and cognitive change plans and theories. However, this is slowly changing for me.

Christianity & Emotional Health

Christian theologians suffered with depression. You are not alone.

I found this online a few days ago but can’t locate the source at this time. I will find it soon though:

“Some names that come to mind are Augustine, Martin Luther, John Bunyan, John Wesley, Jonathan Edwards, Søren Kierkegaard, Adolf Schlatter, Rudolf Otto (who may even have attempted suicide), and Paul Tillich. Interestingly, in some cases, the experience of depression seems to have played a formative role in the person’s theological development—just think of Luther or Kierkegaard!

Many of the great theologians were undeniably gifted individuals with impressive intellectual ability. The relationship between IQ and emotional intensity has been demonstrated in the research on gifted individuals.
Experiencing these heights and depths at such intensity would surely contribute to greater questioning, deeper thought, and more powerful expression.

The struggle with depression is a fire that reveals the deepest epiphanies in the refining of faith.”
–
Also, Chip Ingram just finished a Series on “Does God Still Heal?” – I am currently listening to the first one:
10/06/2009 – Does God Still Heal? – Emotional Healing: How to Move Beyond Treating the Symptoms, Part 1

Chip starts by giving some astounding research about mental illness in America today.

Listen to Chip’s take on God’s prescription for healing your emotions. (Keep in mind his focus and the way he speaks is all about application – and practical ways to move towards behavioral change.)

I know many times we need more – we need empathy, we need a healing relationship, but we also want true transformation from the inside out. We want inner change that PRODUCES outer fruit. We long for real, lasting changes in our heart but also in our thoughts/behaviors.

Both are necessary and important. And if BOTH the healing relationship and the action plan for change are in process, in effect, and moving forward, you ARE moving towards mental/ emotional health and growth. It does require our ownership, but trusting God is the source.

Boundaries for the Mind

Should you place boundaries for your thoughts?

Boundaries of thoughts (the mind) are just as important as physical (body) and emotional (heart) boundaries. It’s important to take note of, and manage, our own thoughts – to fix our minds on things that will bring peace and positive energy, not on things that will cause us anxiety or deplete us.

Do you ever wonder what’s really going on underneath the panic and anxiety? Unfortunately, you will notice that it is challenging to even stop quickly enough to think about it… to catch the flame before it becomes a fire. To ponder – What are the actual thoughts and feelings underneath the anxiety and fears? Unfortunately, instead, it is easier to just act out on the anxiety. Once an “incorrect” or “paranoid” thought enters into the mind, it is hard to stop it.

So, when is the time to intervene then? How about when the thoughts haven’t entered yet…, is there time to reflect? I would say yes. The key then is to find out what the “trigger” usually is – and move quickly. Meaning, if you know going to a certain place, or seeing certain people, or talking to a certain someone today is going to cause anxiety because you’ve seen it happen before, then catch yourself the moment before you get there. Reflect and think about your feelings before any action takes place. Take note of – and inspect – your emotions.

Difficult Circumstances Reveal our True Affections

When circumstances seem to make no apparent sense…

And things seem to be falling apart –

Go Deeper.
Ask yourself… why does THIS bother me more than another? Allow a season of release: release of anger, release of frustration, release of the hurt… but there comes a point where a closer look at the root will be much more beneficial and lasting than obsessing over the surface concerns. Tackling the root emotion will quicken the recovery process and move you towards sane, stable, productive responses and the rebuilding can begin.

Get Re-Centered.
Revisit your vision. If you don’t have a vision for your life, start thinking about creating one.
Where is my focus? What’s my purpose? Where do I want to go? What direction?

Learn and Grow from this Experience.
Why might these circumstances be happening?
What is being revealed about what really matters to me?

Check in on how you handle difficult situations.
Where do I want to turn for relief?
If it feels like a wrong turn, WHY do I want to turn there?
If it is good for you, keep doing it, and give yourself some credit for choosing a lasting relief (a network of friends who can support you), and not a temporary pleasure (i.e. using a substance).

These are just some thoughts and questions to ask ourselves when we feel stuck… to get us moving once again – towards growth. To get us back on track, focused, and enjoying the path we’re on.