On Overcoming Betrayal: Thoughts for the supporter

If you are a friend comforting the who has just experienced betrayal, keep the previous post in mind: He or she is in a crisis. The best way to help is to be there for them, checking in around the clock, listening, comforting, validating, reminding them of rational and logical truths (since their mind will be in chaos and disorder; keep in mind the left brain completely shuts down during trauma). This time WILL pass, their particularly high needs in this stage WILL pass. The processing and grieving begins after the crisis stage, so this is the time to help manage one’s emotions and comfort one’s mind until they can think logically.

Listening and comforting is most key. Not so helpful are words like: “You are strong” – because they do not feel strong during this time at all. More helpful words are: “I’m so sorry. I am here for you – you can call me any time, I am praying for you. I can bring you food to eat (the basic necessities of self-care will not be on this person’s mind).” If you’ve been through a betrayal, sharing your story and how you got through it will also be extremely helpful.

The power of community support & prayer is amazing, especially in times of distress.

On Overcoming Betrayal: Stage 1 (CRISIS)

Thoughts for the one overcoming betrayal: 1) Know that your FIRST reaction will be shock and trauma. Know you are in a Crisis Stage that WILL pass.

You watch it in the movies, in the news, in politics, in hollywood. Nearly every day. You hear about it regarding friends of friends. Your own friends. Maybe you yourself have experienced it. It is an unfortunately all-too-common experience and a sad reality due to our own brokenness. I’ve heard about it from clients, friends, family members, acquaintances. I’ve heard of the business partner betrayals, the spousal betrayals, the best friendship betrayals, the family betrayals. I’ve experienced my own. Some I’ve heard about were best friends and lovers for over 15 years. Others were business partners for even more.

I mention the above, not to minimize the pain, shock, and disappointment of experiencing betrayal, but to state a fact. Just like it is a fact that the divorce rate is 50%, so we can therefore make an extra effort to work on our marriages… so is the rate of experiencing betrayal in one’s lifetime very high, and we can take extra steps to be more aware and cautious, to get out earlier than later, and to learn how to cope and overcome the effects of betrayal.

I am sure this will turn out to be a series of posts, so I first want to remind us all – that when you first find out about betrayal – it is actually a TRAUMA. Your first feeling will be SHOCK. Therefore, you are in a CRISIS. You are in crisis mode. You are unable to think rationally or coherently. You may not be able to sleep or eat or talk or listen to anyone. It is important to recognize this.

As a therapist, working with a client in crisis is in no way the same as working with someone who is not in crisis. So, keep in mind that the FIRST STAGE after finding out you’ve been betrayed by someone you have known and trusted for many years is: SHOCK, CRISIS, and TRAUMA. You are unable to digest that someone you thought you knew for so many years was actually not who you thought. There will be disbelief. You may do and say things you regret, your body may react with convulsions and shaking, your brain will become on high alert – unable to calm down. OR, you may shut down completely, feel numb, immobile, and paralyzed.

It is important during this time to reach out for help, call trusted friends, write trusted friends, focus on your breathing (literally, focusing on breathing in through your nose, out of your mouth). You will feel unable to manage your emotions or your thoughts at this time, but this stage WILL pass. I have seen the crisis stage pass in a matter of a few hours. It will pass – but it is important to acknowledge you are in a crisis state. Extend yourself grace and reach out & receive help.

11 Kinds of Therapy

Sharing parts of an article I found today from a psychcentral.com blog:
11 Kinds of Therapy to Help You Grieve a Loss
By Therese J. Borchard

What can you do to feel better? Sometimes you need to take action.

1. Work is therapy.

If you are lucky enough to have a job, return to it even if just on a part-time schedule. The structure of getting up and out, the obligation to greet fellow workers, and the need to keep yourself together for a requisite number of hours is good for you.

2. Socializing is therapy.

It’s important for you to be among people. Lack of contact with friends and acquaintances is a predictor of difficulty in bereavement. There are probably folks who do not want to intrude in your life at this time and are deliberately staying away. If you are feeling isolated, then it’s wise to get in touch with those folks who are being too polite. Set up a lunch date, a weekend walk, or a shopping trip. Adopt a new social policy and say “yes” whenever you are invited anywhere.

3. Organizing is therapy.

When life threatens to overwhelm you, it feels good to have control over something–even if that something is just a room, a desk drawer, a closet, or a shelf. Get yourself back under control by organizing one area of your home at a time. This is a good opportunity to figure out what to do with your loved one’s belongings. Many people are helped when they bring all the loved one’s items, objects, and clothes into one room.

4. Taking action is therapy.

This can be your time to take action. Maybe you want to inform people about health insurance issues that were an obstacle for you. Maybe you want to persuade your political representatives to advocate for legalization of a particular drug or treatment. Or, perhaps you’d like to create a place to meet with others who suffered a loss similar to yours. There are folks who begin websites, chat rooms, or organizations and foundations to highlight a cause that needs consideration.

5. Food is therapy.

Difficult Circumstances Reveal our True Affections

When circumstances seem to make no apparent sense…

And things seem to be falling apart –

Go Deeper.
Ask yourself… why does THIS bother me more than another? Allow a season of release: release of anger, release of frustration, release of the hurt… but there comes a point where a closer look at the root will be much more beneficial and lasting than obsessing over the surface concerns. Tackling the root emotion will quicken the recovery process and move you towards sane, stable, productive responses and the rebuilding can begin.

Get Re-Centered.
Revisit your vision. If you don’t have a vision for your life, start thinking about creating one.
Where is my focus? What’s my purpose? Where do I want to go? What direction?

Learn and Grow from this Experience.
Why might these circumstances be happening?
What is being revealed about what really matters to me?

Check in on how you handle difficult situations.
Where do I want to turn for relief?
If it feels like a wrong turn, WHY do I want to turn there?
If it is good for you, keep doing it, and give yourself some credit for choosing a lasting relief (a network of friends who can support you), and not a temporary pleasure (i.e. using a substance).

These are just some thoughts and questions to ask ourselves when we feel stuck… to get us moving once again – towards growth. To get us back on track, focused, and enjoying the path we’re on.

Providing Words for the Pain

More on Grief…

Another thought – Identifying the emotions and words to match the pain is both powerful and healing. Having someone help you identify what the pain really is, or what emotions you might be feeling  – brings a sense of release as well.

—

I was revisiting some old notes I took from my first traineeship a couple years ago, and found this:

The therapist goal is to (I was working with adolescents at this time, but I think it applies to anyone):

•    Help client develop capacity to reflect and think about oneself
•    Help client begin to notice things about oneself
•    Help client cope in healthy ways
•    Facilitate client in telling stories – talking about things also helps to remember
o    telling stories is so important in growing up and living life and growing old
•    understanding them, their language, their internal life and reality
•    neurotransmitters are released when we feel understood
•    expressing feelings acknowledges the feelings so they don’t take control over you otherwise it becomes an internal obstacle

Group Notes – on the importance of support groups:

•    people with breast cancer lived 2 years longer when they were in psychotherapy groups
•    (same as above): expressing feelings with others acknowledges the feelings so they don’t take control over you otherwise it becomes an internal obstacle
•    helper/therapy principle: mutual giving and receiving is a powerful form of therapy
—–

Let Grief Finish Its Work

Let Sorrow Do its Work

Stay with it, don’t bypass this necessary season of release.

Document your grief and your growth as you press through this time.  You WILL get out – there WILL be light ahead – there WILL be a NEW season ahead.  You don’t feel it now – in fact, you think it will never come.  But trust me, as I just exited a painful season of grief, I never thought this new journey ahead would arise for me – but it has… and it is beyond better than what I could’ve ever imagined.

Think of it this way.  You are feeling a mixture of emotions right now – everything from anger, sadness, pain… and it HURTS.  It hurts beyond belief.  Don’t cut off the emotion by replacing it with something else or suppressing it.  Keep allowing yourself to FEEL it.  Even if the rest of the world looks surreal all of a sudden.  How can they be smiling? How can they continue living this life? … when you are going through something so much bigger and more painful than they can ever imagine!? No one will understand how you feel.  That’s what you are thinking.  You want this pain to go away.  You want it cut out of you, removed.  You’d rather feel physical pain than this emotional pain.  Your brain hurts.  You feel paralyzed.  Now you feel numb.  But the important thing is – you really must stay with it.

Why?