On Overcoming Betrayal: Thoughts for the supporter

If you are a friend comforting the who has just experienced betrayal, keep the previous post in mind: He or she is in a crisis. The best way to help is to be there for them, checking in around the clock, listening, comforting, validating, reminding them of rational and logical truths (since their mind will be in chaos and disorder; keep in mind the left brain completely shuts down during trauma). This time WILL pass, their particularly high needs in this stage WILL pass. The processing and grieving begins after the crisis stage, so this is the time to help manage one’s emotions and comfort one’s mind until they can think logically.

Listening and comforting is most key. Not so helpful are words like: “You are strong” – because they do not feel strong during this time at all. More helpful words are: “I’m so sorry. I am here for you – you can call me any time, I am praying for you. I can bring you food to eat (the basic necessities of self-care will not be on this person’s mind).” If you’ve been through a betrayal, sharing your story and how you got through it will also be extremely helpful.

The power of community support & prayer is amazing, especially in times of distress.

On Overcoming Betrayal: Stage 1 (CRISIS)

Thoughts for the one overcoming betrayal: 1) Know that your FIRST reaction will be shock and trauma. Know you are in a Crisis Stage that WILL pass.

You watch it in the movies, in the news, in politics, in hollywood. Nearly every day. You hear about it regarding friends of friends. Your own friends. Maybe you yourself have experienced it. It is an unfortunately all-too-common experience and a sad reality due to our own brokenness. I’ve heard about it from clients, friends, family members, acquaintances. I’ve heard of the business partner betrayals, the spousal betrayals, the best friendship betrayals, the family betrayals. I’ve experienced my own. Some I’ve heard about were best friends and lovers for over 15 years. Others were business partners for even more.

I mention the above, not to minimize the pain, shock, and disappointment of experiencing betrayal, but to state a fact. Just like it is a fact that the divorce rate is 50%, so we can therefore make an extra effort to work on our marriages… so is the rate of experiencing betrayal in one’s lifetime very high, and we can take extra steps to be more aware and cautious, to get out earlier than later, and to learn how to cope and overcome the effects of betrayal.

I am sure this will turn out to be a series of posts, so I first want to remind us all – that when you first find out about betrayal – it is actually a TRAUMA. Your first feeling will be SHOCK. Therefore, you are in a CRISIS. You are in crisis mode. You are unable to think rationally or coherently. You may not be able to sleep or eat or talk or listen to anyone. It is important to recognize this.

As a therapist, working with a client in crisis is in no way the same as working with someone who is not in crisis. So, keep in mind that the FIRST STAGE after finding out you’ve been betrayed by someone you have known and trusted for many years is: SHOCK, CRISIS, and TRAUMA. You are unable to digest that someone you thought you knew for so many years was actually not who you thought. There will be disbelief. You may do and say things you regret, your body may react with convulsions and shaking, your brain will become on high alert – unable to calm down. OR, you may shut down completely, feel numb, immobile, and paralyzed.

It is important during this time to reach out for help, call trusted friends, write trusted friends, focus on your breathing (literally, focusing on breathing in through your nose, out of your mouth). You will feel unable to manage your emotions or your thoughts at this time, but this stage WILL pass. I have seen the crisis stage pass in a matter of a few hours. It will pass – but it is important to acknowledge you are in a crisis state. Extend yourself grace and reach out & receive help.

Under every “unhealthy behavior” lies an injury

Under every “unhealthy behavior” lies an injury, no matter how offensive the behavior. This definitely does not justify the behavior, but simply helps make some sense of it. Having your own explanation and understanding of one’s behaviors can oftentimes decrease the confusion that comes with observing such disorder (observing an abusive person, chronic cheater, cutter, etc).
Anything that is unhealthy for you and others (abuse, cheating, preoccupations, etc) is a product of disorder: going against what you were created for (purity, health, selflessness, integrity). Therefore, it is important to get to the root of harmful behavior to lead one out of the disordered identity and into restoring one’s identity.

Emotional cheating, for example, could be a desperate need for love and affection all the time, an intense fear of loneliness or rejection, without which one would feel like s/he had no worth. Looking for someone to love and affirm them, therefore, becomes a compulsion that must be exercised, to relieve the anxiety (feelings of unease) of not being loved and respected. One’s anxious energy becomes spent on manipulating/controlling people and situations to get their needs met. Think of the abusive person who needs to dominate and control – same thing. His/Her anxious energy (fears of, say, abandonment) becomes an addiction to dominate and control. Any feelings of abandonment, rejection, or disrespect are intolerable.

I often ask clients to sit with the feelings of anxiety for a moment, whatever it might be. Not being loved. Not experiencing intense and passionate romantic love or affirmation. Not being respected. Not being with the person of their dreams. Oftentimes, they do not want to. The thought of allowing that feeling to seep into their being feels absolutely threatening, as if it defined their very identity, their being, their essence. It’s too scary. But it is only by identifying and overcoming the root discomfort or root fear, can one change his/her destructive compulsions. One has to first identify the core feeling or belief driving their fears, leading to the anxieties, ending in compulsions to reduce that anxiety (and ultimately suppressing the original scary feeling). Easier said than done, I know. But with emotional processing, self-awareness, and perhaps a friend to bounce back feedback from, it is possible to unravel and break this vicious cycle.

Simply put:
*Compulsions (abuse, cheating, preoccupation with romantic pursuits/intensity and passion)
temporarily and detrimentally relieve
*Anxiety (feelings of worry, unease) <– Awareness of compulsions is hard to deny, BUT many people stop the awareness here because they do not think they are really uneasy or anxious about anything.
that come from
*Fears (of rejection, abandonment, loneliness, deceit)
that stem from
*Misplaced Identity or False Core Belief about one’s purpose, definition, meaning

Therefore, we need to start from the bottom up: *Knowing our true identity and core definition of oneself (Loved by God, Spiritual/Eternal being, Created for a purpose) to decrease the fears, anxieties, and ultimately the compulsions (unhealthy behavior that is harming oneself and others)

In this post, I focus more on emotionally unhealthy behavior (Examples: 1) compulsion to avoid/suppress any conflict which leads to running away from problems and ultimately, broken relationships and partnerships, 2) preoccupations with being loved and respected which lead to using and hurting others to fulfill one’s own needs, usually through living a hidden private life whether it is chronic emotional or sexual cheating.) Both of these are such entrenched lifestyles, that they often lead to denial and minimization of the problem, as if a veil is covering one’s eyes and mind. The first step, just like any addiction, becomes Admitting the Problem. Letting down the guard and pride, and confessing there is an issue at hand. There is a powerful freedom in admitting our powerlessness over an addiction.

Understanding One Another

Some areas to consider when understanding one’s behavior:

-Recent life event changes/ transitions
-Past traumas
-Attachment style (Love Style)
-One’s Worldview/Lens (cultural, familial, etc)
-Family dynamic & relationships
-Social/emotional & relational ‘norm’ growing up
-Ways of unhealthy coping and/or self-medicating
-How was conflict resolved (or not resolved) in family of origin (i.e. what was the model/norm growing up)?

Other practical ways of understanding people better, to improve relationships:

-Understand own and other’s love language (Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman), and another link: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/
For another online version, visit this link: http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp (this is not the real version from Gary Chapman’s book, but not a bad makeshift either).
-Understand own and other’s personality type (MBTI) (Here’s another quick personality test: Personality Test)
-Understand own and other’s family history and family dynamics (Bowen’s Family Genogram)
-Understand own and other’s timeline – significant events (positive and negative) since they were born, until now. What were the big transitions or life event changes?
-Understand own and other’s emotional awareness and style of communicating feelings (You can look at the Love Style link, but I’m also currently working on a practical tool for this one).
-Understand own and other’s way of dealing with stress (usually a vulnerable time) – and encourage each other towards health and growth with new, constructive coping skills. It will take time to unlearn and relearn.
-Learn more about each other’s Love Style, by asking: “Can you recall a time as a child when you were upset and someone comforted you?” (From “How We Love”: Your response to comfort (or a lack of it) may have created a pattern to play out in your relationships.)
-Learn the 5 Stages of Grief.

Forgetting your troubles

On Saturday, I heard a sermon about the importance of “Forgetting & Letting GO, to move forward towards God’s plan and fruitfulness for you.” (That is my interpretation or my take-away at least). I’d like to share some snippits from the message; some are my own words and some are words taken from the growth group notes:

It is important to ‘forget’ about those who have wronged us, forget our troubles, and release the past from any desire to take revenge or punish. The pastor talked about the story of Joseph in Genesis (still one of my favorite stories that moves me to tears). Did you know Joseph names his children as a way to testify to God’s greatness?

The first child he names Manasseh, meaning “causing to forget” because “God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” Joseph is testifying that God has done such a mighty work in his life that he has forgotten the trouble he experienced in his father’s household, which led him to be a slave in Egypt. (Note: the terrible experience he had with his brothers and becoming a slave in egypt was NECESSARY for what was his destiny!)

But he’s not talking about literal amnesia. You don’t need to literally forget what your enemies have done to you because the problem is not that you remember, but rather, the problems is: the bitterness, oppression, and pain that comes with those memories. (Note: If you get to a place where you don’t remember it happened, you’re missing part of your testimony. How will you remember the strength and growth you have gone through if you don’t remember how hard it once was?)

There is a grace available to you so that you don’t have to carry the pain, bitterness, hatred, etc. anymore. You can shake all of these negative feelings out of the experience and only be left with a memory that does NOT produce current pain. “Manasseh”, the grace to forget, is significant and a sign that God desires to do this in our lives. You remember the trouble, but you can do it without oppressive pain and bitterness. (To me, this is a true sign of moving on from trauma too – when seeing someone or something doesn’t trigger and bring back the rush of painful feelings and cause that gulp in your throat.) You can think about your enemies and love them and pray for them instead of plotting against them.

That’s the experience God wants to give you and we want to have: A liberating release from bitterness and resentment.

Journaling Assigments for Trauma

If you find that professional treatment for trauma is not available to you or is too expensive, you might try the following helpful writing assignments. These suggestions are not meant to replace professional treatment, but, in some circumstances, anything can be better than nothing.

The assignments are meant to be kept private, for your own use, but in writing them you might be surprised with what is revealed.

Don’t try to rush the process. Take your time, and contain it by writing in increments of 15-20 minutes only.

• Write at least one paragraph defining the concept of “victim.” Read it and re-read it over the course of the next couple days. This will help you process your thoughts and remain OUT of denial.

• Write at least one page on what it means to you that you have experienced a trauma. Please consider the effects that the trauma has had on your beliefs about yourself, your beliefs about others, and your beliefs about the world. Also consider the following topics while writing your answer: Safety, Trust, Power, Competence, Esteem, and Intimacy. Read it and re-read it over the course of the next couple days.

• Write a detailed account of your last experience of trauma. Include as many sensory details as possible, as well as your thoughts and feelings about the experience. Be sure to track the development of your anxiety from your description of its first beginnings to its peak and on through its dissipation. If you are unable to complete the account in one sitting, draw a line where you stop. When you are ready to continue, read what you have already written before writing more. If there are parts that you do not remember, draw a line and continue on at the part that you remember next. At least once a day, over the course of the next couple days, read whatever you have written, whether it be complete or in progress. I know this is not easy.